Is life always Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows?

So lately I have been reading "The Cry of the Soul" by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman. It is a book that uses the Psalms to show how our emotions reveal our relationship with God. I don't let people see me cry and I sorta take pride in that. As a matter of fact, only my family and very few of my close friends have seen me shed a tear. I am a toughie...or so I thought. Basically, what I realized was that the reason I do not show what is considered "negative" emotion is because I refuse to acknowledge it until I absolutely must. Therefore, if I can remove myself from the situation, I don't have to feel any pain. I tend to let all my joy seep out of my entire being and suppress any anger, sadness, or bitterness because I don’t want to feel it. I learned that not allowing myself to feel the pain or process it properly is saying that I don’t trust God to protect, comfort, and heal me.

This is not the way Christ was and it isn't the way the many in the Bible were. In fact, Psalm 88 (the entire thing) shows despair, sadness, and desperation. Contrast that with Psalm 42 which starts out with confusion and tears and ends triumphantly! Refusing to acknowledge emotions other than "frustrated" or "happy" has made me realize one thing: I don't trust God enough. I figured that I could handle everything because I was afraid if I let my self "feel" then he would never take away the pain. So I would internalize it.
I guess my point is that Christ wants us to feel. Fundamentalism today seems to place such a low (or non-existent) priority on emotions and feelings whereas the Bible recognizes them as a mode of grieving, praising, mourning, etc. Understandably, emotions need not be overemphasized, but they do play a role in our spiritual growth. I tend to forget that Christ, in his perfection, has emotions just like me. He gave us emotions for a reason. No, I am not going all crazy on you and think that we need to "follow our feelings" and "emotions rule the heart" or anything like that. However, I do agree with the following statement by the authors, “Every emotion, though horizontally provoked, nevertheless reveals something about the vertical dimension: our relationship with God.”

Epaphrus

For over a month i have been focusing on Colossians in my devos. As i was studying chapter 4, i tried to read slower and just take in what Paul was saying. usually when i read names it goes something like this in my brain, "And paul (blah blah blah), and tychicus (blah blah blah)..." and i never actually read it. well, this time i read it and found saw what kind of testimony i am striving for.

Tychicus:
Beloved Brother
Faithful Minister
Fellow Servant

Onesimus:
Faithful and Beloved Brother

Epaphrus:
Servant of Christ
Laboring Prayer Warrior
Zealous

Paul also said that each of these men all were a comfort to him. what a testimony! these men were genuine and they served the Lord under much more difficult circumstances than i face!

today i am free

Today rivaled some of the best days of my college career.
during every semester i have visited the business office at least once per week to give mr. blumer (one of my favorite people on campus) candy that i have taken from other offices on campus. i decided that if i cant pay my school bill - i might as well give him what i do have access to!
today, however, i waltzed into the business office with a check for the rest of my school bill. my grandpa shepherd knew i was financially drained for the semester. i had prayed and prayed and prayed all semester - but didnt tell my grandpa. bob informed me of grandpa's desire to be a blessing last week and i got the his check on saturday. reality didnt hit until mrs. mckee said "okay. you're all set." what a blessing!
today, i smiled at mr. blumer and i left the business office.
tomorrow i will snap back to the reality of classes, but today... today i am free.

you are as close to God as you want to be.

This week has been amazing. Simply amazing. For the past five spring semesters, Maranatha has presented The Conference on Baptist Fundamentalism. I learned much last year, and even more this year. Last year, the conference was on dispensationalism. I must say that the word itself sounds very daunting. "Dispensasha...what?!" However, I learned last year about the flaws of covenant theology, the reason for dispensationalism, and more about why i am a fundamental baptist. this year, the theme was sanctification. When i heard the theme a couple of weeks ago, my mind spinned into high speed. "i know i should know this...hmm...okay. Think back to doctrine class...what is the technical meaning..." Now, sanctification isn't a word i hear everyday, but it is a topic that is talked about is every Bible class i have been in, and in many sermons. it seems that we get away from "the big words" and try to water it down. No watering down neccessary folks. i want the real stuff!
i must admit, i wasnt exactly looking forward to the conference. last year, i did learn tons, but there was still so much that i didnt understand that the whole thing was a little intimidating. of course, i had that fear again this year...what if it's way over my head? when that happens all i do is sit there in the hard metal chairs and wonder "why dont i get this?!"
anyway, back to the topic at hand. perhaps the most impacting session i attended was Mr. Hockman's on James 3:13-4:10. He talked about being double-minded, a hypocrite. he also talked about something that hit me like a brick wall. he drew a 3 inch line on the board and said "this is your life. 70 years." then he drew a line that went the length of the rest of the board and said, "this is eternity". He then went on to ask how hard it could be to live for Christ just for that short time we are on earth. so often i find ways to excuse my sin. there is no excuse. he also talked about how the things of this world are earthly, sensual, devilish. he said that this pictures a progression - a slippery slope downward and away from God. first, something i enjoy may not be wrong, but may be above God (earthly). the next step down is wickedness followed by devilish. sin is never positive, and as i seek sanctification in my daily life, if i am not getting close to God, i am CHOOSING to go AWAY from him. Since man has a choice, a free will, i can do what i want...therefore, i am as close to God as i want to be...and so are you.